Both Things Can Be True: Dichotomies of Motherhood
One of the defining features of motherhood is experiencing seemingly contradictory emotions or thoughts on a regular basis - like, I can’t wait to see my child and I can’t wait to get a break from them!
While people don’t talk about this a lot (and social media tends to portray one-sided depictions of parenting), I’m here to reassure you that it’s perfectly normal to feel these paradoxes. In fact, pretty much every mom I know has expressed the below sentiments at some point.
The purpose of this page is simply to validate these combinations of emotions, rather than attempt to change or resolve them.
Can’t wait to see my child and can’t wait to get a break from them
We intensely love our kids - they bring us a kind of joy that is difficult to describe and impossible to get from anything else
And yet, caring for them can be exhausting, physically and emotionally, especially if you’re trying your best to be a thoughtful and engaged parent
If it feels really hard at times, it’s not because you’re doing anything wrong - it’s because it is hard
So if you find yourself looking forward to handing your child off to a nanny/daycare (especially after a weekend, which can sometimes feel like an eternity), that doesn’t mean you don’t love them, it means you’re human!
And there’s nothing like the excitement of reuniting with your child after you’ve enjoyed time off-duty
A corollary of this is wanting more childcare, but also not wanting to miss out on moments with your kids - I constantly go back and forth about how much extra help to get
For many parents, the quality of time with kids improves when the quantity of time with them is more limited, so give yourself permission to get more help
Want time to go faster and want time to slow down
Especially in the early days when sleep is so disrupted and feeding schedules dominate your life, it’s understandable to want to move onto the next phase (e.g. once they’re sleeping through the night, or drinking regular cow’s milk)
With second and third children, this can be even more the case since you also now know all the fun stuff that’s ahead as personality emerges and they begin to communicate more
At the same time, you’re also acutely aware that they will never be this small again! There are days when they literally seem to grow overnight, or suddenly display a new skill, and it reminds you to savor their current stage as well.
Everyone with older kids tells you “aww enjoy this stage, they grow up so fast!” and it’s cheesy and annoying and absolutely true
Love seeing my partner as a parent and frequently resent them
I fell in love with my husband all over again watching him become a dad. Babies can bring out a new, more tender side in our partners, and the shared project of raising a child can bring you closer together than ever before.
And simultaneously, an undercurrent of resentment towards your partner can build - sometimes starting during pregnancy - and flare up during stressful or overwhelming moments. These feelings often stem from significant differences in contributions and sacrifices.
In the beginning, breastfeeding is a huge contributor to the imbalance, but it continues far beyond that
While the dynamic in homosexual couples can be more egalitarian, for heterosexual couples, the mom is almost always the “default parent”, even when both parents work full-time and no matter how wonderful and modern the dad is
By “default parent”, I mean the one who’s watching the child unless otherwise stated - the partner may happily take charge when asked, but the mom is rarely asked, it’s just assumed
This often involves carrying the “mental load” of keeping track of nap and eating times, scheduling various appointments, packing for trips, etc. and many other invisible tasks like ensuring the house is stocked with kid food and the next size clothes/diapers, communicating with other caregivers, researching how to handle various sleep/feeding challenges, etc.
You can take measures to shift some responsibilities by having designated Dad times or tasks (more suggestions here), but you will likely always remain the default parent to an extent
I’ve found that my husband’s expressions of gratitude and recognition work wonders in easing my resentment, and there’s no better way to foster this than by leaving town for the day or weekend and giving him the chance to assume the role of default parent
You may have to overcome your suspicion that they won’t do things exactly right or as well as you do - and honestly, they probably won’t, but your child will survive and your partner will leave with a much deeper appreciation for all you do
Miss my old life and can’t imagine life without my child
Remember when packing for a trip was a simple task (that some of us left until the last minute!) and then you watched a movie on the flight? Or when you and your partner could both sleep in rather than negotiate whose turn it was? And then your Sunday consisted of uninterrupted conversation with friends at a leisurely brunch?
It’s normal to feel nostalgia for those days, or look on in envy as your friends without kids continue to enjoy those now-luxuries
And yet, it doesn’t hold a candle to snuggling with your child, or witnessing him say his first words. Those pre-kids years were indeed amazing, but not nearly as rich and poignant as your life now. And you are becoming a more deeply feeling, patient and strong person as part of this experience.
It’s also important to remember that you will return to doing many of your pre-kids activities as your kids get older (and eventually move out, which is a scary thought!)
The one thing you will never return to, however, is the carefree mindset before you were responsible for another person (parents of adult children still worry over them!). But that’s part of the human experience, too!
My baby is so amazing and also quite boring
In the first year or two, the majority of childcare is quite monotonous - the cycle of sleeping and feeding, the limited set of activities, the Nth time they want to play a certain song or book
This tedium is punctuated by exquisite moments that make it all worth it - a smile or giggle that melts your heart, a delicious contact nap you surrender to, a hilarious or sweet thing your toddler says
If it seems like all your mom friends on social media are loving it all the time, it’s because they’re only sharing these best parts
There are steps parents and nannies can take to make it more interesting (classes/activities, hanging out with other caregivers at the playground, etc) but let’s not deny that it is a job and a hard one
Especially when your baby is young, don’t feel guilty about multi-tasking, scrolling your phone, etc. while caring for them, as long as you intersperse it with some moments of full attention
As your baby gets older and more aware, having the phone out a lot can be problematic, so consider bringing a book or subscribing to a print magazine so you can do light reading while hanging with them
You can also break up the boring stretches by bringing baby along to your own errands/events
One fun, almost meditative exercise is to try to spend at least 5 minutes a day simply observing your child, without talking/intervening (unless for safety reasons) or trying to get any of your own tasks done
This is inspired by RIE, an educational philosophy that’s all about fostering independence in children and reflective observation in parents
So thankful for what my body has done and worried it will never be the same
In the past year, you have grown a full human, grown an organ (the placenta), birthed both, and (for some amount of time) produced gallons and gallons of milk
These are major feats and likely represent the most significant physical change your body will undergo in your lifetime
You can appreciate all this and feel so grateful that it resulted in your beautiful baby, and still feel a sense of loss for your previous body and its capabilities
Even if you were able to completely tune out any external/societal pressure for your body to “bounce back” and return to pre-pregnancy weight levels, you would likely still feel internal concern about some of the changes:
Will sex ever feel the same?
Will my post-nursing boobs always be a little saggy?
Will my stretch marks ever fade?
Will I fit into my old clothes again?
If there was a sport or athletic activity I excelled at prior to pregnancy, will I ever get back to my previous level, and if so how long will it take?
Everyone’s journey is different and I don’t have answers, but I can assure you that you’re not alone in having these questions!
Breastfeeding is magical and also a total drag
When you stop to think about it, nourishing your baby with breastmilk is an incredible transfer of energy - your body is producing everything your baby’s body needs to grow and develop
The milk is adaptive, changing in composition based on time of day, what nutrients the baby needs, and the antibodies required to fight off a given illness. Freaking cool!
This is a remarkable gift and there can be moments of pure bliss when your baby latches well, the milk is flowing right, and everyone is happy
And yet, it comes at tremendous cost - after having housed your baby for 9 long months, your body continues to be shared with your baby every 2 - 3 hours as you nurse or pump (and possibly more frequently during cluster feeding). This is extra exhausting at nighttime and can lead to some of the previously mentioned partner resentment.
Even when you’re away from your baby, getting a “break”, you are still “on the clock”, paying attention to the fullness of your boobs and the time to determine when to next pump, making sure you have all the pump parts, and figuring out where and how to store the pumped milk
While you may be lucky to have periods where breastfeeding is straightforward, more often than not there is some issue you are troubleshooting - oversupply, engorgement, too fast let-down, clogged ducts, sore nipples, etc. In addition to the physical pain of these issues, there is the mental work of testing out various solutions and trying to evaluate what’s actually helping.
And let’s not forget all the smaller considerations that occupy space in the breastfeeding mom’s mind - does this dress allow for easy enough nursing/pumping access? How much alcohol can I drink if my next feed is in X hours? Did I forget to put pads in this bra so I don’t leak? Will there be a fridge in the hotel room to store my milk?
Each of us has to make our own call about how to weigh the benefits with these costs, and when to ease out of nursing/pumping . Try not to let others’ opinions influence you too much and remember - your worth as a mother is not measured by your sacrifice!
Keep in mind, it’s not all or nothing - lots of moms end up doing a balance of nursing/pumping and formula, which can help make it much more sustainable
