Navigating Postpartum Partner Dynamics
When your baby bursts onto the scene of your domestic life, your daily rhythms and relationships will inevitably change (and keep changing!). Some of this postpartum change is impossible to anticipate as it depends on things like your birth recovery, how breastfeeding goes, your baby’s health and temperament.
But there is still value in taking time with your partner in advance (when you are both better rested!) to discuss and plan for some of the common challenges in the immediate postpartum phase. One of the best things you can do for your partner dynamic is to ask for and accept help as often as possible from friends and family. But keep in mind that this can come with its own set of challenges (see page on Navigating Postpartum Family Dynamics).
Planning your leaves
Maternity/Paternity leave plans obviously affect the parental responsibilities each person can take on. Once you’ve learned about how long each partner will be able to take leave, you’ll have to figure out how you want to structure it:
There’s a compelling case to be made for each way of structuring:
Overlapping:
The first months are such a wild transition, that it can be really helpful and special to share that time together with no work distractions for either parent
It can also serve to establish both parents as more equal experts in your new baby since you’ll be learning together (and more equal division of responsibilities from the get go)
Staggered:
This arrangement allows your baby to be home with a parent (vs. daycare or nanny) for the maximum time, and allows you to return to work knowing the baby is in good hands before making the switch to nanny/daycare
It can also give your partner an opportunity to be the primary caregiver which can be a confidence boost
Allows your partner to get to spend time with the baby when they are less of a…baby! Babies just get more and more interesting and fun, and while moms mostly feel an immediate connection to their babies (having cohabitated for 9 months), it can sometimes take the partner more time to feel it.
FYI - your partner can likely still take the first week or two postpartum off using vacation days so you’re all together immediately after birth
Split:
If you and/or your partner are able to take a portion of leave immediately, and then a portion later (most policies say within the first year), that can be the best arrangement of all, for all the reasons in the above two descriptions
But this can be tricky at work, since it means coming in and out, more coverage plans, etc
Dividing up responsibilities
You’ve likely had versions of this conversation pre-baby - who will handle various household and life admin tasks so that things feel equitable. If this has been an area of tension in the past, I’d give extra attention to prepping as a baby can definitely exacerbate things.
Consider making a list of all the things that need to get done (baby and non-baby related) and assigning a primary owner. There’s actually a deck of cards you can buy for this type of division of domestic tasks. Here are some of my personal suggestions:
Breastfeeding is a huge amount of work - around 30 minutes every 2-3 hours - so your partner should be on exclusive diaper duty in the beginning to take that off your plate
Pumping also takes lots of time, so have your partner take responsibility for cleaning the pump and bottles parts
Bathing baby is a nice thing to do together as it can sometimes feel overwhelming to do solo in the beginning, but eventually this can become one person’s job
Other baby “workstreams” to divide up include managing caregivers (e.g. night doula, future nanny, date night babysitter) and researching and purchasing baby gear as it becomes needed (hopefully my list makes this a bit easier)
Non-baby tasks like laundry, grocery shopping, cooking dinner and doing dishes could be another thing you offload to your partner. But you may actually prefer to have a break from the baby and get to do something that feels more familiar/easier.
Play to your strengths
If one person really loves being active, they should be the one to take baby on an evening stroll and give other partner a break
If one is better at remembering to take photos, they should be in charge of keeping grandparents and other fans happy with a stream of updates
Relax your standards:
Accept that there may be periods where your house is not as clean as you wish it were, or you’re ordering takeout more than usual, etc.
You may be slow to respond to friends’ texts, or forget to all together
Don’t stress about thank-you notes for gifts. You could try to do them before baby comes, or months later once you’re settled in, but it’s also acceptable if you never get to it!
Your #1 job right now is loving your baby and keeping them alive and fed; nothing else matters and everyone will understand!
Dealing with sleep deprivation
I’ve put sleep in its own section here because it is the hardest aspect by far for most families
If you are hoping to breastfeed, there is no way around the fact that you will have very disrupted sleep for the first couple months at a minimum
You could ask your partner to get up with you during the night feeds to help with diaper changes, burping, etc but in my opinion it’s a mistake and leads to two exhausted parents
Better to allow your partner to get as much sleep as possible (which might even mean sleeping in a different room from you) so that he or she can take the lead during the day
Introducing a bottle for night feeds can allow for a more equal sharing of the sleep burden
In the first few weeks, you’ll need to still pump during the bottle feed to keep up your milk supply if you want to keep breastfeeding. But pumping takes a lot less time than nursing (plus your partner will be doing all the rest - the changing, burping and soothing back to sleep).
Eventually, your body will be able to adapt to a longer gap between nursing sessions and your partner can feed your baby formula or pumped milk (pumped during the day) while you sleep through!
As your baby gets older and is nursing less often, the challenges at night are more about being “on” to monitor and soothe a fussy/gassy/crying baby. This can be divided in whatever ways make the most sense given your preferences/habits:
Is one of you better at napping than the other, and thus should take more night shifts?
Would you rather share nights (e.g. one person takes 10pm-2am, the other takes 2am-6am) so you’re only a little sleep deprived every day, or divide up the week so you get certain nights of full night’s sleep and others that are very rough?
A postpartum night doula is a worthwhile investment in your sleep and thus also in your relationship happiness. Most work a max of 5 nights a week, so you’ll still need to figure out a good system for the other two nights.
Be extra generous with giving each other grace during periods of sleep deprivation
No one is their best self when they’re not rested, so keep reminding yourself if someone is snappy or grumpy that it’s not personal, it’s situational
My mantra which I repeated countless times is “everything is a phase” (I prefer this to “it gets better” because honestly sleep is very non-linear…it will get better and then worse at least 5 times during the first year!)
Moving past resentment/envy
It is very normal for feelings of resentment to arise. Here are some common examples:
One partner is back to work sooner than the other, so has fewer hours with the baby. Tempting to make those hours just the “fun” stuff (reading, snuggling, etc) but important for them to continue contributing to the challenging tasks too (perhaps on the weekends primarily)
Big differentials in how much sleep each partner is getting
Baby seems only to be soothed by one partner, which can be exhausting for that partner and frustrating/upsetting for the other
I can’t tell you to avoid having these feelings because that’s unrealistic - instead, I encourage you to:
Vent them aloud to someone so you get them off your chest (other mamas will especially get it!)
Try your best to start each day as a fresh slate
Remember that there are literally millions of new parents dealing with the same feelings right now - you are not alone and shouldn’t feel guilty for having them!
Keeping the romance alive
Once you’ve come up from air after the experience of birth and adjusting to your new reality, you may wonder how to retain the spark that got you into this situation in the first place ;)
In terms of sex, you have to wait at least until your 4-6 weeks postpartum appointment to be cleared by your OB to ensure your body has healed
It will likely feel a little tender at first so communication is key
Honestly, it may be a while before you have energy to get back into a groove with sex (see section above on sleep deprivation!).
But that said, there is nothing sexier than seeing your partner in their new role as parent, so hugs, kisses and cuddles will likely be at their all-time peak levels
Beyond physical intimacy, you will actually have a fair amount of quality time in the beginning since babies sleep up to 17 hours a day. They can also sleep anywhere and through anything in the beginning, so use this opportunity to go out to lots of dinners (baby can sleep in stroller) and watch movies, etc. since that will all get harder later on.
“Acts of Service” rises in importance as a love language - when one person is seeming extra exhausted or overwhelmed, doing something nice for them or covering one of their ‘duties’ can be a very romantic act
Finally, as cheesy as it sounds - the hard times can actually be an opportunity for bonding. When our baby had bouts of inconsolable wailing and we’d exhausted all our ideas of things to try, my husband and I would look at each other and just laugh and share that “we’re in this madness together” feeling.
