Transition to Two Kids
Congratulations on expanding your family! In my experience, the newborn stage is just as magical the second time around (or even more so!), and there is also nothing sweeter in the world than seeing your first child hold and kiss your new baby.
Prepare your older child
Your child’s capacity to grasp the massive change about to drop on their lives is limited, especially if they are on the younger end. So don’t feel pressure to discuss it too much or too early on
For young children, it might be very abstract until you have a clear bump and they can even feel the baby moving
This Mr. Rogers book is a nice one for talking about some of the changes that may be coming
Having a baby doll for your toddler to play with can help familiarize them with what babies do - e.g. talk about baby crying and sleeping a lot
You want them to have positive associations with the baby, so if you are feeling sick or tired and can’t play/carry your older child as usual, avoid blaming it on the pregnancy
As simple as just saying “Mama’s feeling tired today” rather than “Mama’s feeling tired because of the baby in her belly”
If you need to switch your oldest to a new room in preparation for the baby’s arrival, I’d recommend doing so a couple months before the new baby so they have time to adjust (and in case the baby comes early).
Frame it as an event that is distinct from the new baby’s arrival, so they don’t feel “kicked out” - instead, it’s like they are graduating to a big kid room. You can involve them in decorating the new room and maybe throw in a new toy or two to make it exciting.
If you’re considering potty training before the new baby comes (which can be nice to minimize diapers), make sure to do it a couple months before so your toddler has plenty of time to figure it out before everyone is distracted by the new arrival.
Know that most families continue to use diapers for naps and bedtime for many months or years after daytime potty training
Gather your gear
You likely already have the majority of the gear, woohoo! But that said, don’t wait too long to bring it out of the closet/garage - you’ll need time to wash it, refresh your memory of how to use it (especially things like wraps and carriers), and fill in any gaps for things that are lost or unusable.
If your new baby is the opposite gender of #1, see if you can get hand-me-downs from a friend - or better yet, swap baby clothes if your friend is also having a baby the same gender as your first (we were able to do this kind of exchange, which helped avoid cluttering our storage!)
Make sure to wash and resterilize the bottles, pump parts or pacifiers, and replace any that seem too worn.
Remember to start with size 0 nipples and the 0-6 size pacifiers
You can get new pump parts for free from your health insurance - it’s worth checking to see if any new, better versions have come out since you had baby #1.
For car seats, strollers and carriers, you’ll need to readjust the straps to be back to the newborn position, since they are likely still in the oldest setting from your first
A crucial piece of gear with a second baby is a Baby Bjorn bouncer, so you can put baby down in a position they’ll like while tending to your toddler. You’ll likely bring this from room to room. In fact, if your home is across multiple stories, I would invest in a second one for the upper level so you don’t need to schlepp it up and down stairs.
In terms of strollers, the right setup depends on how much your toddler still likes the stroller:
Ours was kinda over the stroller, so she usually just rode along our Uppababy Vista using the Piggy Back or would sit in the storage basket underneath! Mockingjay has its own riding board. For a Babyzen Yoyo stroller, you can attach a little ride-along seat. If you have a different brand stroller, there are universal boards that can attach.
If your toddler still likes the stroller and you have the Vista, you’ll need to purchase a Rumble Seat and Upper Adapters to use with the car seat (and eventually, with the toddler seat). You can see all the possible configurations here. If you have the Mockingjay, here’s the 2nd seat kit.
Birth logistics
Figure out your toddler care plan for once you’re at the hospital, including what happens if baby comes early. If the coverage person lives nearby and can be flexible, that’s easy…but if grandparents are flying in around the due date, you’ll need a backup friend/neighbor/nanny who could sub in more last minute.
Every birth is different but if you had to guess, assume your baby will arrive a couple days before you first came, in terms of due date
Second births typically happen a lot more quickly than your first - on average, the first stage of labor (i.e. contractions and dilation) is half the length and the pushing stage is 75% shorter (source)! This means if you’re planning to give birth in the hospital, don’t cut it too close in terms of getting there because contractions may accelerate quickly.
Maybe for your first baby you decide to go to the hospital when contractions were 3 or 4 minutes apart, but for the second you should probably head in once they are 5 minutes part.
Some families have the toddler come meet the baby at the hospital, while others wait for them to meet when you return home.
If you choose the “hospital” option, you could time their visit so that they have dinner with you there; you could consider having your partner return home with your toddler while you spend the second night alone with the baby
A benefit of the “home” option is the toddler is on their home turf for the first encounter, and they have other things to do or play with if they lose interest quickly. Plus they don’t have to leave and say goodbye to you again the way they would after a hospital visit.
Wherever the first meeting occurs, it’s a good idea to have someone else (e.g. a grandparent) hold the baby when toddler arrives so your arms are free to embrace them
If you want to get back home to your toddler sooner, you can ask the hospital to discharge you after just 1 night assuming everything is good with mom & baby.
On the other hand, many parents enjoy having two nights where they are just with the new baby and can give more undivided attention, plus have nurses bringing food, water and changing diapers!
Many parents buy a gift that the toddler will “give” the baby and one that the baby will “give” the toddler. This can be a nice, positive distraction for them during a potentially overwhelming time.
Resist comparisons
You should expect there to be some major differences in the newborn experience of #2 compared to #1, both because they are different babies with their own quirks, and because you are a different person than you were before!
These are generalizations but many people find they are more confident and relaxed as parents the second time around, and (whether it’s nature or nurture) their babies are also more chill. Second children kind of have to be more chill - they are being manhandled by their older sibling, around more noise and chaos, and brought out and about way earlier and more often.
It’s common to feel a bit guilty that #2 isn’t getting the same focused attention that #1 received, but remember that there are also major benefits of coming second - more experienced and calm parents, a constant companion in their sibling, and a more established family life that they can slot into (rather than the tremendous and sometimes destabilizing identity change that happened when you went from child-free to #1).
It will be tempting to compare children, especially how early they hit different milestones. But remember that - barring serious developmental issues - every kid eventually crawls, walks, talks and it ultimately doesn’t really matter when they get there.
Expect sibling reactions
It’s very normal for the older sibling to enter a clingy “mommy” phase - they know you are now less available, which only makes them want you more. This might even begin towards the end of pregnancy.
They might also pretend to be a baby again: asking to be fed a bottle, using a pacifier for fun, crawling, etc.
It’s fine to indulge this - they want to know you will still take care of them - but I’d also then highlight ways in which they are a big kid (“You can eat yummy food like this cheese, but X can’t because they’re just a baby” “You can jump high, but X can’t do that yet - maybe when he’s older and bigger like you!”). The book Now I'm Big tackles that theme nicely
Don’t “blame the baby” - some amount of sibling jealousy is unavoidable, but you can mitigate it by being intentional about your language and avoiding explicitly invoking the baby when saying your toddler can’t do something.
For instance, if you need to stay on the couch to nurse but your toddler wants you to come play, you can say “Mama needs to rest on the couch for a bit, can you bring a book here to read with me?”, instead of mentioning that you are busy nursing the baby. Same if you can’t go out because baby is napping - give some other plausible reason instead of blaming the baby.
You can practice this during pregnancy too - for instance, if your toddler wants you to carry them and it’s too difficult with your belly, try saying “mama is feeling a little too tired right now, how about I hold your hand while you’re on dada’s shoulders?” instead of “mama can’t hold you because of the baby in my belly”
A little technology can go a long way: you’ve probably tried your best to minimize technology so far and that’s great. But don’t feel guilty if you find yourself needing to give your toddler a bit more technology time as you adjust to life with 2 kids
For example - we started doing 15 minutes of cartoons in the morning while I was nursing baby (our rule was that it had to be cartoons that are fairly pleasant for us to watch too! Old school Mickey Mouse from the 50s, Elmo’s World, etc.)
Remain flexible around breastfeeding
There’s obviously huge variation in breastfeeding experiences, but many moms find it more challenging to directly breastfeed for as long with #2 as they did with #1.
With #1, you may have spent the majority of breastfeeding sessions in a quiet, comfy space with your nursing pillow, Haaka or other gear, meticulously tracking feeds. With #2, you will often find yourself nursing anywhere and everywhere while you chase your toddler around or multitask in other ways. If you can escape to a quiet place for one or two feeds and have someone else manage the toddler, definitely do that!
Breastfeeding is a time when sibling jealousy can flare up, since you are unavailable. I’d encourage you to stay open-minded about incorporating breastmilk or formula bottles sooner and with more frequency, so that you can have more flexibility and 1-on-1 time with your toddler (or allow someone else to do night feeds so you can get more sleep, since keeping up with a toddler and baby can be exhausting!).
Personally, I nursed my first child until 15 months and only gave occasional bottles of breastmilk, whereas for my second I did regular breastmilk bottles starting at 1 month and incorporated formula at 3 months. And both kids are healthy and thriving!
Again, try to relinquish any guilt you may feel about this - as you may know, while there are some real health benefits of breastfeeding for mom and baby, the long-term benefits of breastfeeding are often overstated. You need to do what is best for the overall happiness of the family.
More illness is inevitable
The unfortunate reality is that baby #2 is likely to be sick far more often than when #1 was a baby. This is especially true if #1 started preschool recently, but even if your toddler isn’t in school, they are bringing home germs from the playground.
Some moms try to separate their toddlers from their babies (or limit contact to touching toes) from the first months and I think that can make sense for some families (especially if the new baby is premature or has any health conditions that put him at greater risk).
I personally decided to prioritize nurturing a close sibling dynamic from the start, even if it meant more illness - hoping it will build their immune systems!
There are basic things you can do to minimize spread of germs though:
Be adamant about handwashing with toddler
Teach toddler how to turn away when coughing or sneezing
Change them out of school clothes when they come home (if they let you - we struggle with this)
When your baby is under 3 months old, there are pretty strict guidelines about when to bring them to the ER, including anytime they have a fever of 100.4 or higher (measured with rectal thermometer).
These guidelines are important to follow but realize that they are purposefully conservative - serious complications are thankfully very rare
We had two ER visits in the first two months with baby #2, and both times the doctors discharged us home fairly quickly, but it gave us peace of mind
Involve your toddler
Many toddlers love having responsibilities and being helpful, so really play this up with the new baby. This of course depends on their personality, abilities and interest.
Some potential jobs for interested toddlers:
Pacifier duty
Bouncing baby in the bouncer chair
Singing a lullaby to help baby go to sleep
Picking books for you to read to baby
Holding a bottle
Throwing away diapers
When your baby is crying, bring the toddler into the troubleshooting process by talking out loud and involving them: “Do you think baby is hungry?” “Hmm I’m not sure why he’s crying, should we try a pacifier?”
I have found this actually helps with my own frustration/confusion when I can’t figure out what baby needs!
Outsource where possible
In the beginning, you and your partner will likely do lots of “divide and conquer” where each parent takes a kid…gone are the days of trading off who gets a break!
Depending on your toddler’s temperament, you may eventually gain more confidence watching both kids at the same time, so that you can return to having one parent take a break (of course, this is harder for a breastfeeding mom, who is always “on the clock”)
You will inevitably have less time for other household tasks such as cooking and cleaning, so you’ll need to do some combo of 1) relaxing your standards and 2) outsourcing, if you have the budget for it.
This could be hiring a weekly cleaner and/or starting to use a meal service like CookUnity
For chores you are doing yourself, don’t try to squeeze them all into naptime or after kids are asleep - it’s okay to spend some awake time doing other things while the baby hangs in the bouncer and the toddler plays independently.
If you have a nanny, make sure you have transparent conversations about any changes to responsibilities and pay if you would like them to care for both children at certain times. Most nannies expect an additional $5 hourly for two children.
Mo’ mobility = Mo’ problems
Once your new baby is more mobile and able to roll or crawl towards desired toys, you should expect increased sibling conflict as the baby starts to invade your toddler’s space and stuff
Some strategies that can help:
Encourage your toddler to “barter” - if baby wants one of their toys, or has already grabbed one, ask the toddler to pick something else to give baby instead. Babies typically recover fast after such a trade
Give your toddler the language to communicate their frustration with a phrase like “I need space!” so they don’t resort to screaming or pushing
Move your baby to a separate part of the room - they’ll probably still want to get closer to their big sibling, but it at least buys the toddler some time (and provides rolling/crawling practice for baby!)
Somehow we managed to instill in our older child the notion that we’d ensure she could build her Lego/Magnatile/etc towers in peace, but that her little sibling’s job would be to knock it down when she was all done. And it became a fun family tradition - she’d alert us when it was ready to be destroyed and we’d then release the little brother monster and all laugh while he knocked it down.
You’ll need to do an audit of your toddler’s toys and put away any that could pose a choking risk to baby. If you’re not confident in your safety assessment, this handy tool is an easy way to check.
Opt for more baby-safe versions of toddler favorites, like these clickable markers that don’t have caps
