Toddler Behavior Challenges
So much has already been written on this topic, you could drown in advice from books, podcasts and instagram gurus. Like everything on the Glow Guide, my aim here is to simplify and present a clear, non-dogmatic approach. I’ll cover discipline philosophies broadly and then tackle specific strategies.
Pendulum of Parenting Philosophies
Researchers talk about 3 main parenting styles:
Authoritarian: characterized by strict rules without explanation, harsh punishments, minimal discussion of child’s emotions or perspective; can result in poor mental health and self-esteem
Permissive: gives much more freedom and control to children, boosting their self-esteem, but lack of rules can result in poor behavior and lower achievement
Authoritative: a “middle ground” approach that is warm and responsive but still imposes firm limits
Past generations were often raised under an authoritarian style, now widely seen as detrimental to the child’s self-esteem and relationships. In response, many parents today strive to raise their own kids differently, with more compassion and connection.
This movement has given rise to various approaches, including Gentle Parenting (the term I’ll use below), Attachment Parenting, Respectful Parenting, Conscious Parenting, RIE
These methods emphasize acknowledging children’s emotions, providing them with choices, avoiding negative language, and building intrinsic motivation rather than using rewards and punishments
Prominent resources advocating these approaches include Janet Lansbury “No Bad Kids”, Dr. Becky “Good Inside”, No Drama Discipline
In theory, gentle parenting is supposed to be “authoritative” and include firm boundaries, but in practice it often veers into very “permissive” territory
Additionally, many parents find the prescriptive nature of its language rules exhausting, leading to a backlash and a shift of the pendulum as highlighted in the WSJ, New Yorker, Emily Oster podcast
My Take
I agree with NYT columnist Jessica Grouse who said “There’s more than one way to raise children who thrive”
If gentle parenting is working for you - meaning it’s improving your child’s behavior and feels sustainable to you as a parent - then carry on!
But if it’s falling short on either of these fronts, give yourself permission to adapt it to meet your family’s needs
As you settle into your own parenting style, think about whether you are more likely to tend too far towards “permissive” or too far towards “authoritarian”
Personally, I try to practice a balanced approach that is true to the empathetic spirit of gentle parenting, but relaxes the “language policing” and brings back some of the practical strategies (praise/consequences, saying “no”)
While I believe we should recognize our little humans feel deeply and have their own opinions, it’s also critical to remember that they are not mini-adults
They do not yet have the mental capacity to make wise decisions or be reasoned with as you would an adult
Too often, we are so concerned with our children liking us, we forget they also need us to be the grownups, which sometimes means being a benevolent dictator
It’s normal and healthy for kids to test limits, and the goal of discipline isn’t the complete elimination of bad behavior - rather, we want to respond in a way that starts to teach them what is right and wrong
Remember that the word “discipline” doesn’t mean getting mad, it means teaching
Our job as parents is both to ensure they are happy and enjoyable to be around
If your child’s tantrums, whining, etc. are irritating to you - the person who is most predisposed to adore them - imagine how irritating it must be to other people!
For your child’s sake, it’s essential that they build the skills to function well in future social contexts (e.g. school)
Strategies
The below strategies draw partially from gentle parenting but with a healthy dose of pragmatism
If your child has a diagnosed behavioral disorder, other strategies may be more relevant
If you want to go deeper, the best book in this vein is 1, 2, 3 Magic, which offers a very simple and powerful, albeit slightly “old school”, method for kids ages 2-12:
The gist is when the child does a bad behavior, you say “that’s 1” (which alerts them), if it still continues “that’s 2” (another warning), and they still don’t stop, “that’s 3” and follow-through with an immediate, simple consequence. Many kids will stop before you reach 3 once they learn how this works.
Importantly, there is minimal parent emotion and no additional talking during this process (assuming they already know it’s a prohibited behavior, otherwise you give a brief explanation during “that’s 1”)
A randomized-control study found this method to be effective at reducing children’s behavioral problems and parental stress
Keep your voice calm and neutral
Try your best to regulate your own emotions and use a calm voice when dealing with misbehavior, as challenging as that may be
Raising your voice is usually counterproductive - if you have a big response to their behavior, your child may find that interesting and thrilling, thus encouraging them to repeat the behavior to get the reaction again
This isn’t because they’re a psychopath, it’s just a normal part of making sense of the world
It’s also important to reserve yelling for true safety emergencies (e.g. street safety) - kids will start to tune out yelling and the word “no” if it’s overused
Kids deserve to be heard, but validating every emotion isn’t helpful
Many parents today avoid making too big a deal of small physical boo-boos, because they know that can cause the child to overreact where they might not otherwise
But for some reason, the same parents struggle to apply this to emotional “injuries” as well, and instead may overindulge feelings, thus heightening them
It’s important to still acknowledge the feeling - some people try immediately distracting an upset child, which might have worked when they were younger but can be frustrating to an older toddler - “um, did you not hear what I just said?”
But acknowledgement should be short and sweet, and then move on
I call this “Connect and Redirect” - as an example:
On a long drive to the airport, child is screaming “I want to get out!!!!”. Respond with “I know, it’s hard being in the car for such a long time” (Connect) and then “Hey, when we get to the airport, what snacks should we pick up?” (Redirect)
It can also be helpful to restate the boundary/rule, so if child is demanding cookies “I know cookies are so yummy but you already had one today, you can have another tomorrow” and then quickly move onto a new topic
This is better, in my opinion, than dwelling on the emotion, having them name it, etc. which some modern approaches recommend
Of course, if there is a major situation - first day of school, missing a traveling parent, etc - it makes sense to spend more time discussing the emotions
Language matters, but parenting shouldn’t feel like a performance
You do need to pick your words wisely. For instance, don’t frame something as a “yes” or “no” question if you don’t want a “no” answer - so instead of “Can you put your shoes on?” use one of the following alternatives:
Frame as a directive: “Time to put shoes on!”
Put the onus on the child: “Okay, what do we need to be ready to go outside”?
If they don’t say the right thing, you can always then give the direction, but many kids are eager to show you how smart they are
Provide choices: “Do you want to put on your silver shoes or red shoes?”
Giving choices within a limited option set can satisfy children’s need for control and help avoid conflict
However, some parents take this too far and provide choices for every single situation. I think it’s important to occasionally use the “directive” so children learn that sometimes you don’t get to choose, since that’s a real part of life
Some parenting books or IG accounts include scripted scenarios that feel really unrealistic, and give you the impression that your child’s future depends on you using the precise right language
For instance, many modern parenting philosophies say you shouldn’t praise your kids since it encourages external validation, or if you do it should only be for their efforts rather than accomplishments, based on “growth mindset” research
But it feels extremely natural to celebrate your child and let them know you’re proud of them, and it’s not going to mess them up!
If you want to throw in an occasional “You worked so hard on that!” or “You should feel proud of yourself”, that’s great, but don’t worry about limiting the more traditional forms of praise
If you’re constantly following a specific script that feels effortful and unnatural, you are going to burn out - parenting is a marathon, not a sprint
Find a “yes” where possible, briefly explain a “no”
It’s often possible to offer an alternative “yes” rather than constantly saying the word “no”
Simply make it conditional (“Yes, we can read that book, after you put away the puzzle” or “Sure, give me 5 minutes to finish laundry and then I’ll do MagnaTiles with you”)
Suggest a different option you know they’ll like (child wants to go to playground but it’s too late in the day - “How about we do chalk or soccer in the backyard, which do you like more?”)
I discuss these tactics in the context of sleep challenges, especially bedtime stalling, here
Using “no” sparingly will help it retain its power - check whether you’re about to say “no” for a good reason, or merely out of your own convenience
For instance, child wants to do something without your help, which will make it way more messy or take forever, but isn’t wrong or bad
It’s important to hold the line for the “no’s” that matter. It can be helpful to provide a short rationale for a “no”, both to teach an important concept and so that your exercising of parental power doesn’t come off as arbitrary
While the latter point might not matter so much in early toddlerhood, it’s a good habit to form since it goes a long way with older kids, who hate the “because I said so!” attitude
Ultimately, most of us want our kids to grow up into people who aren’t afraid to push back against authority, so it’s a balance to strike between getting some level of compliance now while also nurturing their independent thinking
Keep the explanation short and simple - as their brains develop, you can increase the complexity. Then move onto a new topic pretty immediately since you don’t want to invite much further discussion
“No, you can’t have goldfish now because then your tummy won’t be hungry for dinner - so what would you like to play before dinnertime?” rather than “No, you can’t have goldfish now because that’s a snack and we want to make sure you eat healthier food like veggies at dinner which is coming up in just 15 minutes. How about we have goldfish tomorrow instead?”
“No, you can’t sleep in mama’s bed because you have your own bed to sleep in. Now let’s go pick a bedtime book” rather than “No, you can’t sleep in mama’s bed because you’re a big girl and need to learn how to sleep by yourself, plus we all sleep better in our own beds. But we can read a book and snuggle in mama’s bed first.”
“No, you can’t watch more TV because the car ride is over and we need to go inside now. Do you want mommy or daddy to take you out?” rather than “No, you can’t watch more TV because you’ve already had more than 30 minutes today and it’s not good for your brain to watch so much. Tomorrow during our drive back you can watch more.”
Expectations should be age-appropriate
Do we expect a 1 year old to share or clean up his toys? No. But once they reach a certain age, yes. The challenge is figuring out when an expectation is developmentally appropriate, while simultaneously helping our children to expand their capacities.
I could try to give you ranges for different skills but honestly they are super wide (e.g. some kids can do turn-taking and sharing as early is 18 months, but others won’t until closer to 3) so it really comes down to assessing your specific child
This is going to require some trial-and-error, since you’ll only learn what they are newly capable of by giving them chances to show you (or not!)
This also means we should do our best to create an environment that sets the child up for success, for example:
It’s unrealistic to expect a 2 year old to sit quietly at a restaurant unless you provide lots of entertaining toys. And maybe at 2 years they can last 10 minutes at the table, but by 3 years old it’s reasonable to expect more like 20.
If your child clearly isn’t yet able to stick to drawing only on paper, put the markers away for now to avoid misbehavior and ruined rugs. But as they gain more self-control, provide opportunities to draw under close supervision so you can provide frequent reminders.
Talk less, physically redirect more
If verbal directions aren’t working, just pick your child up and move them somewhere else (e.g. away from the trashcan they keep grabbing stuff out of, despite your protests). Better than repeating yourself again and again with non-compliance.
You can also use your body to shepherd them in the direction you need to go (e.g. towards the door) rather than verbal commands
Try to make punishments “logical consequences”
If kids break a clearly articulated rule, I think it’s okay to have age-appropriate punishments so they learn that their choices have consequences
But it’s more effective - and can feel less punitive - to have the “punishments fit the crime” and be something that logically follows from their misbehavior
So if your child threw a toy, the consequence shouldn’t be “no dessert” (those are unrelated), but that the toy gets put away for the rest of the day
Time-outs can be an appropriate natural consequence if a child has been unsafe towards themselves or others and needs a moment to self-regulate - while they have become controversial in recent years, the research actually shows that short (3-7 minute) time-outs, administered calmly, are effective in improving behavior and do not cause psychological harm (Emily Oster says so, too!)
Another way to implement logical consequences is to let children experience the natural result of their choices, when it’s safe to do so - this is captured in the phrase “Dress your children outside” – they will see for themselves how cold it is and be more willing to then put on their coat, etc.
Use songs and humor
Use songs for clean-up, transitions (we have a “bath time is over” song), and rituals (e.g. toothbrushing song). This is really common at preschools, so ask the teachers if there are particular songs they use that you can continue at home.
If transitions are difficult - especially when moving on from a favorite activity - a timer can be a helpful tool, since young children often lack an intuitive sense of time
Alternatively, use units they understand better than minutes, like “three more times down the slide” or “one more song”
Goofiness is also a powerful tool for quelling tantrums - for instance, you’re trying to brush your child’s teeth and they aren’t having it and are about to melt down. Calmly say “Fine, I’ll brush your ears instead…and now your shoulders” and suddenly they’re laughing and forget they were mad, and eventually you get to brushing their teeth.
Teach “please” and “thank you” ASAP
This may seem like a small or superficial thing, but it really goes a long way in making your child more pleasant for you and other adults to interact with
Catch them being good
We tend to notice the misbehaviors while neglecting the opportunities for positive reinforcement
So do your best to remark on good behavior too! Praise is a great reward for many kids, but if other things like stickers are motivating for them, then use that as a tool too!
Most kids naturally love being helpful with adult tasks so give them little jobs, even if it’s something you could obviously do way more efficiently yourself
Our daughter had a phase where she loved opening and closing things so we gave her the job of throwing her own diapers away so she could open and close the diaper pail - a true win-win!
Fill their emotional connection tank
This page focuses on the best ways to handle the challenging parts of parenting, but the other side of the coin is equally important - giving your child all the love and affection you can. There’s no such thing as too much, in my opinion.
This not only will help them feel close and connected to you, it will also give you the fortitude to stay firm during the discipline moments, because they’ll be balanced out with plenty of positive interactions
Align with partner/nanny, but not every adult who interacts
If you’re going for this middle-ground “authoritative” style but your partner/nanny is too authoritarian or too permissive, try to steer them more towards your ideal through lots of modeling and probably an explicit conversation
In some couples, the “good cop/bad cop” dynamics works really well, so you don’t have to force alignment
However, it’s not going to ruin your child if a grandparent or friend doesn’t perfectly follow your discipline style while interacting with them. The small positive impact of tweaks to behavior management might not be worth the large potential risk to your relationship with the grandparent/friend if they feel too criticized or monitored.
If they are caring for your child regularly and you see a continual pattern, then it’s worth having a conversation to get more on the same page, but otherwise I wouldn’t worry about it