Deciding When to Start Trying
Feeling Fully “Ready” is a Myth
People often believe they shouldn’t have kids until they reach this magical threshold of “feeling ready”
But the truth is, most of us never reach that point - nothing can fully prepare you for the extraordinary thrill and exhaustion of parenting. You will rise to the occasion and your life will feel much richer in meaning and purpose. Paul Graham has a short and poignant essay on this.
It is worth reflecting, however, on whether you feel a degree of contentment with your experience of your current phase of life and an openness to moving onto a new one at this point in time:
Do you feel as if you’ve had sufficient years where the focus has been on travel, hobbies, partying, spontaneity, etc?
Those things definitely don’t have to end when you become a parent, but they will take a backseat for some time
A few suggestions on adventures to prioritize during your remaining “pre-kids” era
Cultural trips, especially to distant places in Asia and Africa
Euro trips where you bop around to lots of places - Europe is quite kid-friendly, but you’ll likely be based in one spot the whole time since switching costs are high
Hiking is very do-able with kids, but multi-day backpacking less so - if that’s your thing, get your next big trek in now!
Beach vacations are the easiest with kids, so I wouldn’t do too much of that in the years before
Trying new adventure sports where there’s a risk of serious injury - kitesurfing, surfing, skydiving, mountain biking, etc. Of course, many people continue these post-kids, just beware that being injured while caring for a kid is not fun.
Connection & Alignment with Partner
In my opinion, this is the #1 most important factor in feeling ready to embark on this new phase is the strength of your connection with your partner
Want to be in a good place in the relationship as babies definitely put a strain on the dynamic and can exacerbate existing issues, but can also bring you even closer
Need to be aligned on wanting kids now, but aligned doesn’t mean feeling identically excited; it’s okay if there’s discrepancy there
Stay open minded on this front: sometimes the partner who is initially more nervous/hesitant ends up loving parenthood more than expected, and partner who was more excited ends up feeling more of a mix of emotions at the reality
Part of what can make parenting extra emotional for people is it can bring up memories and patterns from your own childhood, both positive and negative
It can be helpful to start having discussions now about what from your respective childhoods you’d like to carry on in your parenting and what you’d like to do differently
Age/Health
As I’m sure you already know, age plays a significant role in fertility, especially for women - both our egg quantity and quality decreases with age, with fertility declining most dramatically in mid-30 (decline begins mid-40s for men)
This means as you get older, you are sadly both less likely to get pregnant during a given month of trying and more likely for the pregnancy to end in miscarriage (and higher rates of pregnancy complications like high blood pressure and birth defects)
In thinking about timing, it’s important to remember that even for young aspiring mothers, conception often doesn’t happen right away and can take a few months of trying; on average, about 60% of women trying to conceive are pregnant within 3 months
If you have known health challenges (e.g. PCOS, Endometriosis, Ovarian Cysts), it may be a longer road to pregnancy, so take that into account with your timeline too
The incredible advances in IVF and other fertility treatments have made it possible for more women to get pregnant at later ages
Older parents tend to be more economically and professionally secure which benefits their children, but also bear in mind that parenting is a very physical job and can take a greater toll on your body as you age
The average age of first time mothers has gone way up: from ~21 years old in 1970 to 27 years old in 2020. College educated women are having children even later - this NYT article on this phenomenon includes a cool feature where you can look up the average age of first time moms in your county (in SF, it’s 33.4 years old for college-educated women)
In addition to considering your own age and health, you may also want to think about that of your parents and in-laws. If you have older parents or they have medical challenges, you may want to push your timeline sooner so that they have more years of active grandparenthood ahead of them.
Finances
It’s important to remember that people successfully raise babies on all sorts of budgets!
That said, you may feel like there’s a certain level of financial security you’d like to reach before adding a child to the mix. Here’s a breakdown of some of the costs of children in case that helps your assessment (or you can input more specifics into this calculator), :
Childbirth costs (with health insurance): ~$2,500 - $3,200 depending on plan, medications, vaginal delivery vs. C-section
Upfront gear costs (though you can try to put most of this on your registry for friends/family to pitch in): depends on what brands you get, but I’d estimate this to be between $4,000-$6,000
Ongoing gear costs:
Diapers: ~$75/month
Formula: depending on brand, $150-$300/month (def one advantage of breastfeeding is it’s cheaper); and eventually solid food ~$50/month
Clothing: highly variable (try to get hand-me-downs!) but they grow quickly so could be ~$50/month
Toys/Books: ~$30-$50/month
Biggest expense will be childcare - in SF, nannies cost ~$4,500/month, nanny shares (where you split with another family) are ~$2,500/month, and high-quality daycare is also ~$2,500 (NYC is probably comparable, anywhere else is cheaper). Read more about childcare options here.
Career
It’s hard to make generalizations in this area since every industry and career path is different, but here are some questions to ask yourself as you think about timing:
Is there a milestone you’d like to reach before pausing? A promotion, raising a round of funding, etc?
What is your company’s parental leave policy, and your partner’s?
Are there role models at your company who are successfully balancing fam and work? Is there someone you’re comfortable talking to who may have insight?
Support system
Having family and friends nearby can make a huge difference in your parenting experience, both on a practical level for childcare and in terms of moral/emotional support. Some questions to ask yourself:
Which family/friends nearby might you be able to lean on?
To what degree? (e.g. occasional babysitting, a recurring date night, moral/emotional support more than actual childcare)
Do you have any friends on a similar babymaking timeline? Not essential but can make it less isolating
If you are newer to a community (i.e. you moved somewhere recently), it may take more time and effort to find your support system, but most places have “moms groups” you can join to meet people
